Perhaps Someday Will Be Our Always
by harrythe
Summary: She thinks about it a lot, when the nights are quiet, and dawn is just beginning to break. She thinks about it as the sun creeps up along the buildings that reach towards the sky. It isn't Someday yet, but the promise beats in her chest, this bone deep knowledge that he is out there, and he is waiting, just as she.


A/N: Guess who's back to writing Joshaya? God guys, that Joshaya "someday" scene left me in tears, all 500 times I've watched it since it premiered. I ship them so much that it hurts sometimes. It's also been far too long since I've written Joshaya. Also, this was for Ronie, who just needs some good old fashioned angst with a resolved happy ending. Because why not? Also, I suggest listening to "Breathe" by Lauv while listening to this. Just for extra feels. Maybe I'll make a new Joshaya mixtape…

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" _I'll play the long game. Live your life, I'll live my life._ _I know you're out there, and I'm out there too."_

She thinks about it a lot, when the nights are quiet, and dawn is just beginning to break. She thinks about it as the sun creeps up along the buildings that reach towards the sky. It isn't Someday yet, but the promise beats in her chest, this bone deep knowledge that he is out there, and he is waiting, just as she.

There had been others, of course. There was the boy from her art class, someone she had loved too quickly, and too deeply, that they had crashed and burned before she even knew what had happened. It had taken her months to get over him, though she produced some of the best art that she had ever thought of. Inspiration from the pain that spread outwards from her heart, to the point where she was sure she would never fall in love again, even as the echo of Someday pounded out in her chest. She had hoped for a call, a sign, anything, during that time, but nothing ever came. At the time, she had been bitter, her heart hammering in her chest as she thought of the boy she still loved, even after all this time, but in the end, she is glad he didn't. She is sure they would have caved, in a moment of weakness. Someday deserved so much more than a rebound in a moment of weakness.

There was also Zay, though that had ended before it really even began, a moment of weakness, and loneliness, and wanting. A couple of dates were all that they had shared, and one innocent kiss after he had walked her home that last time. They had been nice dates, an echo of her almost relationship with Lucas, and it was then that she knew she had to put a stop to it. He had agreed, and they continued their friendship as before. Zay went on to find happiness with someone else, and she was happy for him, she was, but she couldn't help but wish for the same thing. The memory of Josh's hand enclosed around hers, the promise of Someday echoing in her veins had almost been enough to make her cave, make her long for something that she couldn't put a name to, not yet.

There'd also been the occasional date, the boys that went in the blink of an eye. None that were ever enough to catch her attention. She tried not to compare them to her Someday, though one had the same hair, right down to the slight curl he'd sometimes get at the back of his neck. One had the same eye color, though they did not hold the same warmth when his gaze was directed at her. One was the same height, and the same build, but with a shock of red hair that did not suit his features as well as she would have liked.

Through it all, the promise had never wavered, at least on her side of things, never failed to make her heart beat faster, her palms sweat, and her breath catch in her throat. In the darkest parts of the night, when she couldn't sleep, it would echo in the stillness, thoughts slipping through her fingers like sand through an hourglass.

Riley worried about her, though she'd never say it out loud. She'd see these looks cross her face, as she sat encased in Lucas' love, as though she were hoping for Maya to love someone too. Maya wanted to tell her that she was fine, that there was nothing to worry about. That somewhere out there, he was waiting, just like she was.

After all, it's not as though they never saw each other. There was always the occasional Christmas party, or birthday, or even family game nights. Nights where the two of them would sit together in the living room window, ensconced in a world collapsed to just the two of them. And every time they said goodbye to each other, it was always the same.

"Long game?" He would whisper.

"Long game." She would answer in kind, and her heart would break just that little bit more.

And it was in the darkest parts of the night that she would admit to herself that she was afraid nothing would ever change. Perhaps they were using the promise of Someday to keep away from the fact that they were now two people who could neither move forward or forget the past. Perhaps they were two people who used the excuses of not being ready, or it not being the right time for them, to hide the fact that they no longer felt the same as they did when they were younger. Three years they had tiptoed around the promise, three years of hoping, and wishing, and praying that he would be there waiting for her. Three years was enough time for them to drift apart, for them to realize that maybe they were not written in the stars.

"You deserve better," Riley said to her one day, as they soaked up their last few weeks before they started college in the fall, sitting in the bay window, twisting the promise ring Lucas got for her around her finger.

"I deserve him," Maya answered back, heart dropping down to her toes. In just a few short weeks, she'd be leaving for college, bringing with it the memory of a time that felt like so long ago, when she had crashed a group of friends, all for him.

"But you're not happy, Maya. Maybe it's time to let him go."

"Not yet," Maya said, bristling at the thought. "It's not time yet."

"Peaches, it's been three years since you sat in front of that fireplace and promised each other a future built on a theoretical someday."

"And I'll wait three more if I have to."

"I just want what's best for you Maya, and this can't be healthy."

Maya looked away, feeling her throat close up, and tears well up in her eyes. "I know, Riley, don't you think I know that? But what am I supposed to do? Give up? Stop believing in something because the world is telling me not to? This is killing me, Riley, but I don't know what else to do. Loving Josh is all I know. How am I supposed to give that up? I can't, I won't." The tears started to slip down Maya's cheeks, before she could wipe them away, though she didn't even bother to try, her emotions leaving her feeling exposed, and open.

"Peaches," Riley said, before she stopped, and pulled Maya closer. She didn't know what to say anymore. She didn't know how to begin to fix this, if there was any fixing it. Maybe there was no fix, no easy answer wrapped up in a neat little bow.

They did not talk about it after that day, both too scared to bring it up, and so Maya continued on as she always had. She didn't know what else to do. Life didn't even seem to be pulling her in any direction. She felt as though she were drifting aimlessly, not sure what to do anymore.

"I'm scared," she finally admitted to him one night over the phone, as she packed up the last of her belongings, getting ready to move into her dorm at NYU the next morning. She wondered if it still looked the same as it used to.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm scared that we're never going to move past this point. That we're just using the hypothetical someday to ignore the fact that we're no longer the same people who promised each other a future."

"Do you really believe that?"

Maya shrugged, though he couldn't see it. "I don't know what I believe Josh. I feel like I love you, but I also know that three years is a long time. Feelings change. People change."

"Maya-"

"I keep telling people I'm fine," she said, interrupting him, before he could either confirm or deny her fears. "And it's killing me, because I'm not fine, Josh. I'm not. I keep going on dates, and the last relationship I had was that guy from my art class, but no matter how many boys I meet, or date, none of them are you. You are what I want Josh, but we're not moving forwards or backwards, and we both deserve better than that. We're stuck, and it feels like I can't catch my breath because I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, for us to either move forward, or admit that we're not the same people anymore. But you are what I want Josh, it's you. It's always been you. And I, I don't want to be stuck anymore," she finally admitted, defeated.

There was silence on the other end of the phone.

"Josh?"

"I'm here," he said. "Are you sure this is what you want?"

"I'm sure." She heard the distinct click of a phone hanging up, and pulled it away from her ear, blinking numbers greeting her. "Well, I guess that answers that question," she mumbled to herself. She continued packing in the silence, a tear slipping down her cheek as she packed away memories. The photo of her and Riley that first Halloween, dressed up in their costumes, and Riley all wet from bobbing for apples. The photo of her, Farkle, and Riley, when they showed up for his bug awards, when she and Riley made the pact to never settle for anything less than Farkle. The photo of her and Lucas, both dressed up in their war paint when they all had detention together. The photo of all of them at their junior high graduation, side-by-side with their senior graduation photo. And finally, the only photo she had of her and Josh, at her high school graduation. She still has her gown on, but Josh has her cap. He's swung her up into his arms, and she has her head tilted back, long hair blowing in the wind. It's the most carefree they've ever been together, since he had promised her a hypothetical future.

A knock on her bedroom door startles her, snapping her out of her thoughts. She crosses the floor on trembling legs, and opens it slowly, almost collapsing when she sees Josh on the other side.

"I don't want to be stuck either," he murmurs, and surges forward to kiss her.

The kiss isn't perfect, it's more teeth than lips, and they bump noses more than once, but Maya wouldn't change it for the world. She loves this boy. She's waited for this boy. It's enough.

And when they pull apart for air, she whispers, in the quiet space between them, no louder than a pin drop, "I love you."

And just as quietly he answers, "I love you too."

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A/N: Still here? Hate me? Love me? Leave a comment down below! Also, I wrote the part about Zay and Maya before Girl Meets Bear came out, swear to God, and I remember seeing the part about them dating, and I remember laughing because I so called that one. Legit, no joke.


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